Orange Cauliflower Demystified
-by Andy

The diner stares down at his plate in disbelief; the cauliflower florets, which ought to be white, are a vivid orange, and the meal, which was going to be a special anniversary meal with just the wife and no kids, is now a nightmare tangle of genetically modified organisms because, surely, no normal cauliflower could be orange. Some deoxyribonucleic acid head of a mad scientist must have scrambled the genetics of a Cheddar cheese into the cauliflower. The waiter is summoned who, unfortunately is really a film-noir screenwriter waiting to be discovered, and so his explanation, while romantic and suspenseful, does not satisfy the patron. The Chef is summoned, and all she can do is replace the dish with a more comforting meal, pour a glass of wine to sooth shattered nerves, and promise to call the farmer.

Unfortunately the farmer is also a frustrated novelist. The chef has no time for prolix explanation. “Just give me the facts!”

“The facts are that the orange cauliflower seed is a variety called ‘Cheddar,’ purchased from Johnny’s Seeds of Albion, Maine. Of all the major seed companies Johnny’s has the best record of sensitivity to the organic market, and if they say that ‘Cheddar’ is not a genetically modified organism I believe them.”

The chef has a reduction sauce to attend to, so she races off. The farmer/frustrated novelist hasn’t gotten the issue out of his system though, so as he wanders around the fields he mutters to himself. “If people only spent their time walking down as many rows of cauliflower as I have they’d know that there is no such thing as race, that white cauliflower, green cauliflower, orange cauliflower, and purple cauliflower are simply variations on theme, like vegetal jazz improvisations by the Goddess. They’d see that She doesn’t really respect uniformity for it’s own sake, and that she plays with it, so that out of every 100 white cauliflowers there’s always a lavender one, or a buttery yellow one, or a head that has a chartreuse mood.”

Another of the farmer’s inner voices speaks up, the rational one. “Every white cauliflower will turn all kinds of weird colors if they’re exposed to much sunlight. All that’s happening is that scientists are selecting for cauliflowers that have pure colors instead of propagating the ones that are colored like aging bruises. Green or purple or white or yellow, but not all those colors at once.”

Then the dystopic conspiracy demon chimes in.”And the reason they’re doing it is not just to please the customer who has an appetite for color, but because the big companies that own the cool climate land on the coast where the whitest cauliflower can be grown are tired of paying people to tie the leaves of the cauliflower tight with rubber bands to keep the curd’s blanched snowy white. It would be a whole lot more profitable for them if the heads could be left exposed to the sun to color up. Besides, everybody knows that in a few years all the growing land on the coast that produces the best cauliflower will be too expensive for agriculture, so it makes a lot more moneyfor them to develop their coastal acreage in houses, and sell the homeowners cauliflowers that are grown in hotter, inland areas. They’re making their move now, by getting people used to the idea that cauliflower doesn’t have to be iconic white, because they know that consumers are paranoid and conservative about what they eat!